


And No One Stands Unscathed

by Antarctica_or_bust



Series: To Rewrite History [1]
Category: Captain America (Movies), The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Amnesia, And non-canon, Angst, Brainwashing, Canonical Character Death, Captain America: The Winter Soldier Spoilers, Cynicism, Depression, Disfunctional Avengers, Dreams, Fic Spans Years, Flashbacks, Hydra controls everything, M/M, Minor Character Death, Missing Scene, Mission Fic, Past Bucky Barnes/Steve Rogers, Poignant, Pre-Captain America: The Winter Soldier, Secrets, Steve Angst, Steve Rogers and the 21st Century, Unsettling, he hates it
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-05-24
Updated: 2014-08-17
Packaged: 2018-01-26 03:07:27
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 7,339
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1672421
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Antarctica_or_bust/pseuds/Antarctica_or_bust
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Bucky,” he whispers, voice stolen by the wealth of memory.<br/>“Who the hell is Bucky?” the Soldier asks but the quirk of his lips tells a far different tale.</p><p>(Hydra has always been good at changing history)</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> While I've been shipping Steve and Bucky since the first movie, I never actually intended on writing fic for them, so I blame this on 2 things:  
> 1) Sebastian Stan's [epic](http://37.media.tumblr.com/518d3ad81b95fd5b81134195db9e2495/tumblr_n4r1ecS12m1scyhcso3_500.gif) [trauma](http://24.media.tumblr.com/843e8cb035eea6bfa67d01de99bf1457/tumblr_n4r1ecS12m1scyhcso2_500.gif) [face](http://37.media.tumblr.com/16ec154898d0f22d5293b4d757dffc8c/tumblr_n4r1ecS12m1scyhcso4_500.gif)  
> 2) My obsession with one particular canonAU and the many ways it could play out. Seriously, I posted it on the kink meme and got several fantastic fills and I still had to write my own version. Possibly 6 of my own versions.  
> (And I know this is a little late considering when the movie came out, but I only got the idea after my 3rd time through and I'm a slow writer these days.)
> 
> Finally, apologies for my utter ignorance about 1940's vocabulary and many thanks to my beta for putting up with me.

For months after SHIELD defrosts him, Steve Rogers dreams of ice. He dreams of falling, of pain and blood and Bucky's voice telling him that everything will be all right. Despite the violence of these dreams, he finds them strangely comforting because during those short moments his life makes sense again. Steve knows who he is with Bucky there beside him and everything laid out in black and white.

But then Steve wakes up and remembers that the world is different now.

He remembers that the world moved on without him and shades of gray are the only truth that anyone believes. He wakes and wants to weep from grief when he turns to wrap his arms around his lover and discovers no one laying there, the coldest dream still sweeter than his harsh reality.

Because Steve will never forget the sight of Bucky slipping through his fingers, his new body still too weak to save what mattered most to him. Captain America could defeat a hundred Hydra soldiers but he could not fight gravity and that failure haunts him more than anything. What use was Erskine's serum if he could not keep his promises?

Steve had promised that he would protect Bucky now that he could finally return the favor and he had sealed this vow against his lover’s skin. A bright memory amidst a string of stolen moments, a lifetime of lies and secrecy. But Bucky had always been worth it and Steve had been so determined that they would never part again. 

_Which turned out so well for the both of us,_ he thinks bitterly, staring at the old photographs that Coulson found for him. 

The Howling Commandos look so happy in these photos despite the war that had been raging on around them and Steve is terribly jealous of the man he used to be. Sure he and Bucky had faced dishonorable discharge or worse if any of the higher ups had figured out their secret but at least Bucky had been there to risk it with. 

He had been there to tease Steve and smile for the cameras, to curl into his arms whenever nightmares struck. Bucky had been there to be stupid and sacrificing, to shove Steve at Peggy Carter when his self-loathing grew too much. The other man was different after the 107th had been captured, his easy charm dimmed by the tortures he had faced. But at least he had been alive for Steve to hold and comfort until the day that Captain America had let his best friend down.

 _“It’s not your fault,”_ Bucky whispers sometimes in his dreams, his lips brushing gently against his lover's neck. _“You did the best you could for me; I’m the one who went and mucked things up anyway.”_

A comforting idea if only Steve could make himself believe it and yet no amount of wishing can change the truth of history. When he opens his mouth to proclaim his failure, Bucky dissolves into ghosts and white-hot agony. The pain burns beneath his skin, a river of fire that only sharpens the voices in his ears. They call him Captain as they break him into pieces, his own pain nothing to the sound of Bucky’s screams. They call him Captain like that’s the name his mother gave him and it takes everything Steve has to stop himself from punching Fury when the director does the same.

Captain America is a hero, a larger-than-life symbol who could do no wrong, but Steve doesn't deserve to wear that mantle anymore. Not when he's just a stupid kid from Brooklyn, one who wanted to do what was right and lost it all along the way.

Steve is tired. He’s tired of the nightmares and the loneliness and being treated like an invalid. He had enough of that before the serum and just because he’s ninety doesn’t mean he’s lost his mind. 

Yet no matter how much he dislikes Fury, he can’t refuse the other man when he asks for help. Because the director is finally offering Steve an actual purpose, something more worthwhile than destroying punching bags, and despite the bitter weariness that he carries on his shoulders, Steve doesn't want to see his home destroyed. Even if the thought of fighting without Bucky is almost more than he can bear.

So Steve doesn’t challenge Fury on his blatant manipulation or the lies of omission that he tells. Instead, he suits up to do his duty without asking any questions – a choice that he starts to regret when he meets the rest of Fury's team. While he never assumed that Captain America was the only hero who would ever stand up for this country, he's not exactly impressed with those of the current century.

Iron Man is the worst: loud and arrogant and far too convinced of his own intelligence. He’s a proper bastard, really, and learning who his father is only makes Steve hate him more. Howard Stark might have been just as arrogant as his son and a womanizer but at least he tried to improve the world for everyone.

Tony only seems to care about the needs of his own ego and Steve can't decide if he's more enraged or disappointed by this fact. He recognizes the sound of genius even though he can't understand half the things that Tony’s saying and backed by his father's money, the other man could have altered history. But instead the younger Stark decided to dress up in a metal suit and play at superheroes and yes, Steve knows how hypocritical he sounds. 

However, Captain America was never his idea; the government just wanted a poster boy with whom to sway the masses. Steve had been good at that, his new physique and comforting smile perfect for making people forget the real blood and death of war. 

Even after he rescued Bucky and proved himself an actual soldier, his films showed the folks back home a safe and easy struggle that the US was sure to win. The Howling Commandos spent as much time on propaganda as they did fighting Hydra and Steve had hated it. But Colonel Phillips could only cover for his team so often and thus Captain America had wined and dined and smiled for the gathered cameramen. He had smiled for the senators who fell over themselves to shake his hand on camera even though Steve had actually been everything that men like that despised. 

Poor, low class, _queer_ ; these same rich bastards used to stare past Steve like he was invisible on cold winter days back home. They’d ignored him or sneered at his helpless coughing when a handful of change would have made all the difference between a proper meal and going hungry once again.

But no one had helped Steve after his folks passed away; he and Bucky had always had to help each other and that was the only reason Steve allowed the deception to go on. He couldn’t let his lover fight without him, not when the other man had come so close to dying once already, and Steve had no other way to stay out of a lab. He would have volunteered for a thousand dog and pony shows if that's what it took to help people; he would have smiled a thousand fake smiles in order to keep his friends alive.

Only when the Howling Commandos were out in the field did Steve feel like a real person instead of a dancing monkey and there was something wrong with the world when attacking Hydra bases seemed more like a vacation than his days on leave.

Of course, this was partially because Steve’s soldiers had turned a blind eye to his relationship with Bucky; they had cared more about a man's skill than his moral fortitude. Whatever their personal feelings on the matter, the Howling Commandos had kept silent when the two of them disappeared together and that was a far cry from the whispers that Steve had been used to.

_“Why haven't you burned that sickness out of them? You are supposed to be making soldiers not encouraging such filth.”_

_“We have tried, Sir. Those memories will not stay buried even when we keep them separated and they are most effective when working as a pair. But you asked for unrelenting loyalty and allowing this perversion will form a stronger shackle than any chains that we could make.”_

Even in Steve’s dreams he can't escape the hatred, the sneers and smirks and danger that had chased them in New York. Only Bucky's endless charm had kept the two of them from being arrested or beaten to death in some back alley by people they’d grown up with. Men like Hodge who had been so certain of his own superiority and Steve can see the worst of them in Tony Stark's smug face.

The rest of Fury's heroes aren't much better. Thor seems to think that lethal hammer strikes are a good substitute for introductions and his brother is the one who just tried to conquer Germany. Natasha's a spy through and through and Bruce doesn't even want to be here, which given what Steve knows about him is probably sensible. Really, how does Fury expect this band of misfits to save anyone when they can't even manage to have one civil conversation and is Steve supposed to act surprised when everything goes wrong?

However, while the discovery of Hydra weapons inside the Helicarrier is a bit predictable, that doesn't mean that Steve isn't completely furious. It’s not the fact that he's been lied to – what's one more betrayal after all the rest? It's the fact that Fury doesn't even pretend to be less than convinced of his own righteousness. 

Instead of taking responsibility, the director blames everyone else for his actions – Thor and Asgard and human foolishness – and Steve has to wonder what makes him so qualified. What gives him the right to rule the present in the name of future peace?

Something in Steve is absolutely convinced that the Tesseract means pain and agony and that there must be a better way to hold the chaos back. But before he can persuade these stubborn fools of anything, Loki's minions attack the Helicarrier and everyone's too busy trying to survive to discuss philosophy. Steve and Tony work surprisingly well together and their combined efforts manage to keep the ship in the air even as Bruce nearly destroys everything just like Natasha said he would.

 _Why the heck did Fury bring him if he thought that this would happen?_ Steve wonders, trying not to think about the drop beneath his feet. But somehow he manages not to plummet to his death before the turbines are restarted and when the dust has settled, Fury decides to give another speech.

It's a picture-perfect call to battle – Steve would know, he's made enough of them – and to be honest, he tunes the other man out as soon as he sees Coulson's bloodstained baseball cards. Fury must truly be desperate to try something so obvious even if Tony's distraught expression shows that it's working well enough. He must have known Coulson to be so affected by his murder or perhaps Stark simply isn't as numb to people dying for his cause.

But that's what heroes do; they make sacrifices for the greater good and give hope to others when their own hope is gone. Captain America knows that even though Steve doesn't want to and thus he flies to New York to save his city once again.

He's no stranger to suicidal missions – there's a reason his final battle ended as it did – and even with Thor and Hulk on their side, half a dozen superheroes can't hold back the tide of aliens. The best they can do is try to contain the carnage, delaying the Chitauri invasion until Fury finds some bigger guns. 

So Captain America orders the Avengers to focus on containment and evacuating civilians and he hopes that the hammer won't do too much damage when it falls. Steve has done some research since SHIELD found him and he knows what this century considers acceptable casualties. One city, even _his city_ , would be regarded as a small price to pay in order to stop the US from being conquered and the worst thing is that Steve can't even disagree. Wars are won by the side that makes hard choices and believes in sacrifice.

 _It looks like I'll be joining you soon, Buck,_ Steve thinks as another wave of Chitauri threatens to overwhelm him. The fight is almost over and that thought is a relief.

But then the Black Widow discovers how to shut down Loki's portal and Captain America can't drop his shield yet. If his allies need time, he will buy it with the last breath in his body and he ignores the ache in his bones as he twists to slam another Chitauri from the air. The Widow had better hurry because he isn't the only one nearing his limit: Iron Man's armor is almost out of power and Hawkeye is being forced to steal his arrows from the dead. Even Thor is looking tired and Steve hasn't seen the Hulk in quite some time.

Of course, Captain America soon has something else to worry about because Fury's bosses turn out to be more ruthless than expected, deciding to sacrifice New York even when the need has passed. The World Security Council doesn't trust Steve's team to finish this and that makes him angry where the thought of dying barely ruffled him. However, there's a distinct difference between dying for a worthy cause and dying for someone else's cowardice, rich old men in ivory towers throwing knights before their king.

And yet for all his strength, Captain America cannot hope to catch a missile; it takes Iron Man for that.

In this moment, Stark proves himself a hero, the kind that Steve can be proud to fight beside. He proves himself willing to die for something other than his own ego and his allies can respect that even as they pray for him to breathe.

Although Steve lost his faith in miracles many years ago, sometimes they're still granted, and his shoulders sag with relief when Tony finally wakes up. He and Iron Man may not be friends, they may never be friends, but perhaps they can start as allies the way that he and Howard did. Perhaps the Avengers can be more than a bunch of messed up individuals who only work together when they’re all about to die.

Indeed, for the first time since he woke up in the wrong century, Captain America allows himself to hope for something more in his life than unyielding solitude.

\---

Unfortunately, this hope is brief and fleeting. The Avengers go their separate ways once the dust has settled, each having ghosts to conquer before they can be a team. Only Natasha seems relatively unaffected in the aftermath of Loki’s invasion and Steve is no different from the rest. 

In truth, his dreams grow darker after New York, Bucky's voice turning harsh with bitter jealousy. _“You are mine. You have always been mine and you should have known better than to think that you could leave.”_

This is no voice of memory since the other man had been unfailingly supportive even when he shouldn't be. This is the voice of Steve's worst nightmares and the aching guilt that fills him at having worked with a new team. Because it should have been Bucky sniping from the rooftops while Gabe and Morita threw bombs into the air. 

It is always Bucky in the missions that Steve dreams of, a mix of Hydra bases and those that could not be. For it was never just the two of them; there were never any missions built on bloody smiles, ones where his back bore weapons instead of the Captain's shield.

However, this doesn't stop Steve from wishing that his dreams had been reality. He has never known such complete security as he feels with Bucky there beside him, the slightest weakness in his guard covered instantly. His lover watches his six with a lethal efficiency that cannot be overcome by the cowards they are facing and every mission ends with a monster bleeding out. 

Monsters who have earned the deaths they're given and Steve never feels guilty when he wakes up from these dreams. How can he when Bucky looks like sex incarnate with a rifle in his hands, his kisses feral as he laughs into Steve's mouth?

They fuck right there against a crumbling wall in Budapest, too wrapped up in each other to care if someone sees. All Steve cares about is Bucky pressing deep inside him, his fingers digging into the stucco as the other man claims his lips possessively. His lover kisses like he fights: heat and fury and a single-minded purpose that makes Steve's knees go weak because this is home, here where the lines between their bodies disappear. This is the only truth that really matters – the thrust of Bucky's hips and the cold hand which ruins him.

Steve always wakes with the other man's name upon his lips, his sheets sticky and loss burning in his chest again. But he never speaks the word aloud, all too aware of the watching eyes and ears. 

SHIELD's technology may be far beyond Steve's understanding but he still knows people and he knows that Fury would not grant him privacy. Captain America would be kept under observation, if not by Fury then by some lesser minion given the job as punishment. That's what Peggy would have done and Steve expects no less from the organization that she helped to build. Which means that someone is always listening and even though people have grown more accepting, he can't give them Bucky yet.

Not when the other man has been the foundation of Steve's world for as long as he can remember and his friend deserves more than a notation in some doctor's fancy book. Bucky deserves to be remembered as more than the man that Captain America went queer for and that's exactly what will happen if their relationship comes out.

Steve has experienced the horrors of twentieth century journalism firsthand since his resurrection has become common knowledge and for every person trying to tell a fair and balanced story, there are a hundred vultures looking for a scandal and what his handler calls soundbites . 

The SHIELD agent assigned to his PR – _and really, when did that become a thing?_ – gave him a list of pat responses with which to feed the monster, phrases such as, “I sure don't miss polio” and “we used to boil everything.” However, other than being significantly more invasive, the questions aren’t much different from his USO days and Steve’s had a lot of practice at self-deprecating grins. So he gives them the same performance that he gave the press back in the forties and the few newspapers SHIELD allows him are always positive.

 _Probably because they shred the others,_ Steve reminds himself, all too aware of the agents haunting his every step. Still, he can't deny that the buffer has been useful and that's one of the reasons he stays with SHIELD despite Fury's arrogance.

Well, that and the fact that Captain America can hardly get a day job anymore. Even if most people don’t recognize Steve without the uniform, a stationary target is much easier to hit and it's not like he can offer his employers living references.

Steve could always go to Tony since the man has been rebuilding his tower as some sort of superhero base camp according to Pepper's messages. But Iron Man has his own problems and while he's proved that he can be a hero when the chips are down, Steve still finds the other man incredibly annoying to spend any time around. 

The last thing he wants to do when he’s off duty is listen to that endless patter of jokes and science babble, particularly since the taunts hit too close to home sometimes. None of the so-called Avengers really know each other and at least SHIELD lies to his face instead of to his back.

So Captain America becomes one Fury's dogs for a while and he tries not to think too hard about his orders. It's easier that way – easier to bury Steve beneath the armor and the shield and pretend that he's not growing lonelier each day. Because he's a man out of time, a man without an anchor, and he’s not sure he's even capable of being happy anymore. How can Steve be happy when most of his friends are ghosts or corpses and even Peggy is barely lucid now?

She does have her good days, mornings where they talk for hours before she forgets about him, but those days are far outnumbered by the bad. However, Steve keeps going back because Peggy is his last connection to the world which he grew up in and he can’t abandon her. Sure it feels as though she's carving out his heart every time that she forgets him, but Steve just keeps on visiting.

Maybe it would hurt less if he allowed Natasha to set him up with someone but Steve can’t bring himself to attempt that masquerade. Even if he tells her the truth about his preferences, it wouldn’t be fair to date when he’s still in love with Bucky and he doesn’t understand why this century is so obsessed with casual sex anyway. What happened to good old-fashioned relationships where you actually knew a person before you got past first base?

For some reason people always assume that he’s a virgin when he asks that question, but at least this gives Steve a good excuse for being shy. He's really not sure where the perception of the past as innocent has come from considering that things being illegal didn’t mean they weren’t done. 

Still, it serves his purposes, everyone’s prudish idea of the forties skirting neatly around the secrets that he hides. 

Eventually Natasha’s attempts at matchmaking turn into something of a private joke between them – their flirty banter drawing weird looks from SHIELD's Strike Team. But it’s nice to talk to someone who isn’t in awe of Captain America and Steve thinks that they might become real friends in a few more years.

\---

So life drags on in a gray sort of limbo, the missions starting to blur together as the months go by. On duty or off, Steve never gets a break because even his apartment is a strange sort of facsimile of what SHIELD thinks he needs.

It’s like living in a museum, one that didn’t do its research, and Steve hates the place when he has the energy to feel anything at all. Mostly he just walks around in a fog of exhaustion from the many nights that he spends drawing instead of sleeping, Bucky’s face the only thing that helps to keep the dreams at bay. When he does sleep, his rest is fitful – mind trapped in nightmares that feel like hazy memory.

_“It’s time for your Captain to return to his country but do not worry, Soldier; this is not the end of him. He is to be our gift to the people of America and both of you will be instrumental in our great triumph there. We need you to fight against the chaos and once the world is safe from harm forever, you will be allowed to rest again.”_

These dreams leave Steve unsettled, convinced that he is forgetting something vital and after one of those nights, he goes running before dawn. The pounding rhythm helps to anchor him, driving his doubts and worries into the background for a time.

He always takes the same route through the capitol, nodding at the newspapermen whom he’s begun to recognize. They set up with the sun like clockwork, getting ready to meet the first wave of senators and businessmen heading to the Hill, and Steve finds the routine comforting. It reminds him of the summer that he'd spent hawking papers before his mother died – one of the only times that he'd had extra money to spare on luxuries. 

Steve had taken Bucky to the pictures twice before he'd gotten sick and gotten canned and while he no longer remembers what they saw, the other man's delighted expression remains one of his fondest memories.

So he runs and he remembers and he's as close to being content as he's been since Bucky fell. But then one day there's a new face on his route, another man running the same path around the National Mall. Steve doesn't think much of it at first, just warns the guy whenever he's about to pass him and the increasing annoyance on the other man’s face is one of the funniest things that Steve has seen in weeks. That swell of amusement is why he stops to introduce himself once his run is over, reaching out to the stranger with a joke and a wide grin.

Steve's glad he does because something about this Sam fellow makes him feel more like a real person than a puppet tied in strings. Truthfully, the way that Sam cuts right through his practiced platitudes is a bit uncomfortable, the man countering his aw shucks routine with actual empathy. 

He’s not sure how to deal with someone who actually cares about the way he's feeling since SHIELD leaves him alone as long as he's still functional and he’s almost grateful when Natasha arrives to bail him out. But Sam’s words stay with Steve even as he's bashing his way across the decks of the Lemurian Star and allowing Batroc to provoke him stupidly. If Bucky were alive, he'd call Steve an idiot for giving into the criminal's taunting and be the first to smack him upside the head. Only Bucky's not here and that's half the problem so Captain America decides to get into a fist fight just because he can. 

Stupid, definitely, but it makes him feel a little better to beat the crap out of someone – at least until he crashes through a door and finds Natasha there.

She's a spy so it shouldn't surprise him that she has her own agenda but Steve still feels betrayed. Some foolish part of his heart thought that they were actually getting closer when he should have known that Fury would always be first in the Black Widow's eyes. He's the one who gave Natasha orders and so he's the one Steve yells at once they get back to base, his anger only burning hotter after that awkward airplane ride. 

But all Steve gets in return is a lecture on the need for compartmentalization and a horrifying show-and-tell. Horrifying because Fury seems so proud of his new Helicarriers and the other man's grand vision for SHIELD is all too plausible.

This isn't what Steve was fighting for – someone else with their finger on the trigger and an army at their back. He had been fighting for freedom, the right for everyone to make their own decisions in a world not wracked by war. Fury's plan won't end the chaos; he'll only make things worse by burying the danger beneath a wall of fear as he wipes out anyone who dares to challenge him. No one should have the kind of power that these Helicarriers represent – at least not anyone who actually wants the burden to be theirs.

So Steve leaves the Triskelion with a sick feeling in his chest, his feet leading him to the Smithsonian again. The Captain America exhibit has become something of a sanctuary; this is the closest he can come to being back in 1940 and he misses all of his friends desperately. He misses Dugan's jokes, Morita's sarcasm, and Jacques' filthy French and he misses knowing that someone will always have his back. 

However, it's the footage of him and Bucky that usually makes Steve lose it, his lover smiling at him like he's the center of the world. To be honest, he doesn't understand how people can still be blind to the way they loved each other because when he watches these old videos, it seems so obvious. 

Yet even Peggy hasn't said anything about Bucky in her few lucid moments and she's never been one to shy away from the conversations that he doesn't want to have. Even now she pushes Steve to be a better person, although he feels more hopeless than ever when he leaves the hospital this time. Because how is he supposed to start over when he cannot – will not – let go of the dead?

Steve can’t shake the feeling that moving on is a betrayal and at the moment he just wishes that he could still get drunk. But instead of returning to his apartment to wallow in his misery, he somehow finds himself at the VA, listening to other soldiers who have been broken much like him. This is what war does; war takes good people and shatters them to pieces until they cannot even stand beneath the burdens that they bear.

No wonder Sam sees through Steve so easily, stripping off his mask with nothing more than an understanding ear and a question that he doesn't know the answer to. Because while Steve doesn't know what makes him happy anymore, he knows it isn't this. 

Maybe Sam and Peggy are right and it’s time for him to do something different with his life; something that will finally silence all the voices in his head. However, Steve has barely made this resolution when he returns home to find Fury waiting in his apartment and the world that he's come to know unravels piece by piece. 

Suddenly Fury is gone, shot by an assassin whom Steve cannot get out of his head. The man caught his shield like it was nothing and yet it's the eyes that haunt him now – dark, intent and so familiar. 

Those eyes are the reason Steve stays silent when Pierce orders him to give up Fury's secrets, not any loyalty to a man now dead. He doesn’t trust any of them: SHIELD, Pierce or the World Security Council and he can’t shake the feeling that something big is happening. Someone is manipulating the situation to achieve an unknown end and Steve is tired of fumbling in the dark.

Which is how Captain America ends up on the run with the Black Widow, chasing down answers in his past and discovering a memory. 

That's what Zola is: he's a memory Steve had forgotten, one that he could have happily left buried for all eternity. Zola is the reason Bucky died; the reason that SHIELD was compromised from the beginning and yet Steve cannot stop listening to the story that he tells. He cannot stop listening even though he knows that Zola lies. He knows that something is missing from the picture the scientist is painting, something which Steve can almost hear between the lines. 

“When history did not cooperate, history was changed,” a dead man tells his audience, a kaleidoscope of images flitting across the screen. But it is not the revelation that Howard Stark was murdered which makes Steve reel back in surprise, it's the way that he can almost feel the brake lines in his hands. He can remember the rifle that flashes by in an instant, a grainy black and white photograph suffused with color in his mind's eye.

Steve can remember _everything_ for one brief second and then the knowledge disappears into the void again. Because when Zola says that the Captain's life is pointless and death is coming for him, all he hears is an instruction that the time is not quite right. 

He is left only with the knowledge that he cannot die before his final task is finished and a vague sense of unease thrumming in his chest. For if Zola had truly wanted to kill Captain America, he would have allowed Steve and Natasha to reach the elevator before the missile fell. But he didn't; Zola kept them underground where the blast could not destroy them and that's what Steve just doesn't understand.

Yet there's no time to dwell on the cracks within his mind or the niggling doubt of memory as long as he and Natasha have a mission to complete. They are the only ones who know enough to stop SHIELD – to stop Hydra – and Sam is all too willing to help them when they show up at his door. The other man has such faith in Captain America, such certainty that Steve must doing what is right, and he doesn't even hesitate when Natasha lays out the plan.

Sam probably should have asked a few more questions since their plan is completely crazy and they don't even make it to the Triskelion before everything goes wrong. Fury’s assassin tracks down the trio and their hostage on the highway, the man making his entrance by ripping Sitwell from the car.

What follows is a blur of screaming metal and rapid gunfire, every bullet somehow falling a hair short of its mark. The assassin is toying with them, playing with his targets when he could just kill them and this realization should spark something panicked in Steve's chest. Yet instead of fear, all he feels is a strange exhilaration when that metal arm slams forward and meets him strike for strike. Steve knows this fight; he’s been having it in his dreams since he was frozen and the two of them move together as though they’ve been doing this for years. 

It’s familiar and glorious and Steve cannot explain it until the assassin’s mask comes off. Then Captain America stands frozen while the world shifts around him and he knows exactly where he belongs again.

“Bucky,” he whispers, voice stolen by the wealth of memory.

“Who the hell is Bucky?” the Soldier asks but the quirk of his lips tells a far different tale. He knows Steve just as Steve knows him, down to blood and bone and the beating heart they share. They are one mind, one purpose now that he's remembered, and no matter how much Steve wants to take his lover in his arms, that would ruin everything.

Because he can finally see the path that lies before him; he finally knows why Captain America survived. There is a way to end the war for good but everyone has been too blind to see it, too absorbed with their own dominance.

So he stays silent, playing up his shock when Sam asks him about Bucky and Steve is truly sorry that he got the other man involved. Because there can be no more compromising and Sam will never accept what must be done after Agent Hill rescues them. 

Which is why Steve kills him first.

\---

It's the only mercy that the Captain has to offer, a few quick steps and a snapped neck before the betrayal registers. Steve blocks Hill's gun as she turns toward him, Sam's body catching the only shot she gets off while he takes the doctor out. Then the agent is crumpling, her spine severed by the dagger in his hands. The Soldier had made sure that he was armed before allowing his lover to be captured but Steve still prefers his most familiar weapon, the Captain swiping his shield from the ground just in time to block Natasha's strike.

The Black Widow isn't stupid enough to get in close – her fighting style is built on speed and maneuverability instead of brutal strength. The redhead tries to keep Steve at a distance, throwing those electric shockers and anything else that she can reach.

But even without a bullet in her shoulder, Natasha couldn't hope to outlast him in such a small arena and as soon as he manages to back her into a corner, they both know the fight is done. Although she puts up a good struggle anyway, it's not long before the Captain has her pinned against the wall, the edge of his shield digging deep into her neck.

“Yasha sends his love,” Steve hisses softly and Natasha’s whole body stiffens at his words. He knows now that she was lying to him when she spoke of the Winter Soldier but he appreciates the confirmation before he ends her life. 

Although, if anyone could understand why Steve must do this, it would probably be Natasha – or Natalia Romanova as she was known back then. For while the Captain had never met her face to face before he was refrozen, he'd heard a great deal about the Soldier’s youngest student and for a moment he considers asking for her help. But that would not be fair to the woman whom he's grown to admire – the one who's trying to atone for all the death she’s caused.

An impossible task to be sure and yet one Steve can admire even as he takes a different path. His duty leads through blood and sacrifice and he will not ask Natalia to stain her soul with his.

Decision made, the Captain raises up Hill’s gun, the Black Widow never blinking as the barrel rests against her skin. Instead, she stands with dignity, facing her death like the warrior that he's always known she was and he wishes that it had not come to this. So once the light has left her eyes forever, Steve lays his friend down gently, pressing a soft kiss to her forehead before turning to the last man in the room.

“What the hell are you doing, Rogers?” Fury bites out, somehow still sounding as though he’s in control. “You're Captain America!”

“Yes. I am,” Steve tells him. “But I am also more than that. Hydra grew inside of SHIELD for decades – did you really think that a few assassinations were the only plans they made? Did you really think that you knew everything?”

Fury's one eye widens and the Captain can see his mind working desperately to process this revelation, looking for an escape even as his friends and allies lie dead on the floor. He probably has some fancy weapon hidden in his mattress, but he cannot hope to fight while injured and Steve is not surprised when he turns to words instead.

“You don't want to do this,” the director argues, his attempt at earnestness making the Captain chuckle bitterly. “You're a good man, Rogers – one of the best I've ever known. You were the one who told me that Insight was dangerous in the first place and you’re joining Hydra now?”

“I expected better of you, Fury; you of all people should have seen through the masquerade. But in your defense, Hydra did rewrite history. This is something that it's leaders are quite good at and they didn't lie when they told you that I fell. Only it was a train in the Alps and I jumped after my lover because my life meant nothing without him at my side. Captain America – the suicidal queer. Not very heroic, is it? But Hydra found us; Hydra remade us so that we could shape a century and when humanity was finally ready, they resurrected dear sweet Steve Rogers to lead the charge. We needed you to trust me after all.”

It's strangely freeing to explain all of this to someone and Steve can finally understand why villains often love to monologue. Of course, Fury tries to take advantage of his distraction, grabbing some sort of laser from underneath his pillow and firing it off.

However, the Captain has been expecting the director to attack him and he slams his shield onto his hands without missing a beat. Fury screams as the bones in his fingers shatter and the hate in his eyes would have destroyed a lesser man. But Steve just makes sure that the other man is pinned securely before continuing their talk.

“Pierce will have to die, of course. He's too interested in power to be trusted and he hurts his assets needlessly. But don't worry, Fury, now that I've regained my proper memories, Bucky and I will keep this world safe for everyone.”

“Bucky?”

“The Winter Soldier; you may have heard of him.” Steve's smile is merciless when he presses the gun to Fury's forehead and he watches unblinking as the director dies. The other man deserves that much after his years of service, misguided though he was.

Indeed, Fury was not entirely mistaken and Project Insight must have its chance to shine. The Helicarriers will slaughter everyone who could think to challenge Hydra while he and Bucky burn out the cancer from within. Zola built them as his weapons after all and the scientist had seen a truth that others had denied. He had understood that for people to be free – truly free – there must be no one left to hold the guns. 

The Winter Solder and his Captain will guard this world from villains and heroes both, saints and devils wearing human form. As long as people are allowed to strive for conflict then the war will never end and Steve is so tired of the fight. 

He craves peace with every fiber of his being; he dreams of lazy days in sunshine with his lover at his side and no orders to follow but their own impulses. Yet such domesticity has never been their future; the two of them were made to end the madness and so that is what they’ll do. The Captain and the Soldier will shoulder this last burden; they will bring forth Zola’s vision and change the world for good. 

Only when Hydra, SHIELD, and all those who dreamed of heroes are nothing more than dust upon the wind, only then can they return to being Steve and Bucky once again. Until then, he will do his duty and when Captain America stands before the world to say these deaths were necessary, everyone believes.


	2. Epilogue

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I consider this epilogue optional. I originally wrote it for someone in the comments and I decided that I like it enough to count it as semi-canonical. So if you prefer your depressing sleeper!Steve fic with a slightly happier ending, feel free to read on.

It takes four years to free the world from war; four years of death and fury and crushing all resistance before their task is done. But eventually the day arrives when the Captain and his Soldier are no longer necessary – those they are protecting have finally learned how to be free. People have finally learned that there is no more need for fighting and should they try it, retribution will be swift and merciless.

So on one warm spring morning as Captain America surveys the wasteland that had once been his city, the Soldier takes the shield out of his hands.

"Come away with me," he murmurs, leaning in to kiss his lover gently. "We have done the work that we were made for and you promised that you would be mine again."

How can Steve refuse him when the other man has never asked for anything, supporting his cause faithfully no matter what it cost? The Captain and the Soldier have lost years to their mission, lost themselves and each other, but his lover has always managed to draw Steve back again. So he allows the Soldier to remove his helmet, stripping off his armor until Captain America is nothing but a distant memory.

Only when the last piece falls does Steve feel as though the weight is finally off his shoulders and he lets out a delighted laugh as he takes his first full breath in years. Then he returns the favor, wiping away the grime and leather of the Soldier until Bucky Barnes is staring back at him.

"Shall we?" he asks, holding his hand out to his lover and the smile that he's given means more than anything. Steve may have sacrificed his life to Zola's cause but his heart belongs to Bucky and it is time to enjoy the peace they've made.

 

_End_


End file.
